With Love From the Bike Lane

Tonight Nick and I watched Pleasantville on the couch while enjoying dinner. After the movie ended, we hugged. It was a confusing movie ending, more of a challenge to the viewer, “Are you living your life to the fullest? Are you living in full technicolor?!” I really enjoyed it, loved the use of color in a black and white world as a visual epiphany. Anyway, we settled into a cuddle as the credits rolled but instead of a “normal” kiss, the kiss on the top of my head or forehead, Nick leaned down and kissed me deeply on the mouth. I was quite caught off guard, as evidenced by my even wanting to write about it. He is normally so reserved, not prone to sweeping emotion the way I am. It can be a point of frustration at times. He squeezed me and tangled fingers in my hair.

The whole first half of this prolonged kissing I was thinking, Why is he doing this? Is this because of the movie? Does this mean we’re going to have sex? Oh, I want that. …If we don’t, I’ll be frustrated. Resentful? Is it right of me to be resentful about it? This feels wonderful. Why am I thinking about anything? Why am I not paying attention to the kissing?! Pay attention! Pay attention!

There are times I feel lonely, moments where I miss Nick even when he’s sitting across the table from me, or laying on the pillow at my side. I know I use sex to get his attention. It translates as “attention,” “intimacy” and “love” and has become a sort of short hand for when I want it all. But despite this, it seems, in the face of the full force of his attentions I am the one doing the isolating. I had this epiphany tonight. It was SO HARD to focus, to not analyze everything from the little movie theater in my head and just be with him.

I realize now I am just as responsible, if not more so, for the loneliness I feel. My vocabulary is so limited to “let’s have sex” that I miss or disregard intimacy expressed in other forms. I don’t know if I’ve explained this well, since kissing is so closely tied to sex… but it is at the same time such a completely separate intense thing. There are times where Nick has kissed me and just wanted to kiss me for a long time and I will get upset and stop it because I can see it won’t lead to anything. I have felt rejected from “just” kissing.

Wistfully I have recalled times from when I was an adolescent, where kissing was everything, the absolute limit, just IT. Kissing felt nearly as emotionally intense as sex can now (or more so in some instances, ie quicky sex). There was just this incredible clarity then where everything seemed and was new, like lights turned on really bright …..or color in a black and white world.

I get upset and complain to Nick that he leaves me alone. And at those times I feel like he is totally absorbed in the fantasy world of a strategy games or his newest novel. Instead, we could be spending that precious moment in our week, where our free times syncs up, doing something together! But I have to recognize now that I have done the same. I have my art, my games, my books (my own distractions). I make this complaint right before turning back on him and facing the computer monitor thus allowing myself to be sucked in. Worst of all, I will sit there in his arms being kissed and kiss back mechanically because I am too busy wondering about anything and everything except the present moment.

I need to admit to myself that maybe I have the intimacy issues, I’m the one who shields her eyes from the brightness of it.

Focused on him in the kiss tonight, everything felt so good. This feeling of intense joy (a need to let out happy laughter) swelled up in my chest and had no where to go with my lips on his. Instead tears formed in my eyes as I realized I’d taken down walls that I almost always keep up. I was sad for myself and sad for Nick. And at the same time I was so greatful and happy to be in that moment.

Blood Lamp, 2009, a single-use light that draws its energy from a drop of blood, by UK artist Mike Thompson, creator of the wifi dowsing rod.

For the lamp to work one breaks the top off, dissolves the tablet, and uses their own blood to power a simple light. By creating a lamp that can only be used once, the user must consider when light is needed the most, forcing them to rethink how wasteful they are with energy, and how precious it is.

I am learning to properly use pens… or rather, trying. Ha! *sigh*

A sketch I did of another Forgotten Realms character, Bruenor Battlehammer! He looks peeved. I was kinda peeved when I drew him.

Quick pen and ink version of this by Oyamada Ami, just practicing. I love the original. The whole I’m so into you I’m gunna taste/eat up all of you bedroom eyes thing in the illustration is awesome. >:}